god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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