I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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