I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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