anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
