Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I want to fling myself into the sun
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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