so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
