so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
