Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
