Your tits are I can't wait for
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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