What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
40s are totally the cure
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
