you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
so let's talk penis.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
