Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
