The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
