She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
