I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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