Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
