Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
