You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
