I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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