she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
