You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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