Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
