It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
