i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
