I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
