A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
