And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
