i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
