he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
