i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
