Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
