you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
