Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
