Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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