Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
