I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
