i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
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