Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
