she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
