Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
