apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
