She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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