our cab driver is having phone sex.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I just gift wrapped bread.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Randomize
