there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
