why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
