remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
