dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
