Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
