Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Also, beer. Big fan.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
