And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
We are two peas in an std pod
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
