I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
