if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
